殘缺的身、殘缺的愛 董佳芸從珠寶設計找回完整的心(Handicapped Hand and Incomplete Love – Tung Chia Yun finds her complete heart from jewelry design)

殘缺的身、殘缺的愛 董佳芸從珠寶設計找回完整的心(Handicapped Hand and Incomplete Love – Tung Chia Yun finds her complete heart from jewelry design)

陳心怡
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蘇馬利國際珠寶設計師董佳芸把生命的苦難歷程化為珠寶設計,希望喚回愛。
蘇馬利國際珠寶設計師董佳芸把生命的苦難歷程化為珠寶設計,希望喚回愛。

「小時候當乩童,幫大人報明牌賺錢,只是因為我殘缺的手被當作得遂行神明的意志。」

"When I was a child, I was forced to work as a shaman, who is believed to have the power to foretell the winning numbers of the lottery just because my handicapped hand was regarded as having the power to fulfill the will of the gods."

國際珠寶設計師董佳芸設計珠寶的手,曾經在台灣股票狂飆、大家樂瘋狂的年代裡,是神明最佳代言人的證明,還沒上小學的她,報明牌的功力就不知道為多少來自各方的賭徒賺進大把大把鈔票,同時,也改善了家庭生活。

During the booming years when Taiwan's stock market spiked and  the public and underground lottery ran wild, Tung Chia Yun, even though she had not entered the elementary school, was well-known for her precise foretelling of the winning numbers. Her magic power, symbolized by her handicapped hand, had helped so many stock market investors and lottery gamblers make a lot of money, and at the same time helped improved her family life.

因為大家相信,殘缺之人必有其天命。

There goes a Taiwanese folklore belief: The disabled must have their peculiar destiny.

只不過這天命要讓一個女娃兒扛,是生命中不可承受之重,偶爾聽她在公開場合分享這手背後的故事,她自己泣不成聲,聽的人也心酸。

If such a "destiny" falls only on the shoulders of a little girl, it is such an unbearable burden in life. Occasionally when she shared her story in public, she herself could not help but keep on weeping, and the audience felt upset for her.

殘缺的手與殘缺的愛

Handicapped Hand and Incomplete Love

 

時間拉回到西元1981年,彰化田中一個足足有4200公克的女嬰即將誕生,由於胎兒太過巨大,生產過程不順利,差點造成母親休克,甚至把自己卡死在產道,當助產士看到小小的身軀時,急著就拉,希望趕快讓母女脫離險境,卻沒想到因此造成嬰兒的右肩骨折,後來被誤判為小兒麻痺。這就是董佳芸被當成神的使者的命運起始。

Back in 1981, a baby girl with a weight of 4,200 grams was about to born in Tianzhong, Changhua.  Because the fetus was too large the birth process was not smooth, and caused the mother virtually in shock, and the baby got stuck in the birth canal. When the midwife saw the small body, she hurriedly pulled, hoping to get the mother and the baby out of danger as soon as possible, but that fractured the baby's right shoulder. Regrettably, the fractured shoulder was later mis-diagnosed as polio. This was the beginning of Tung ChiaYun's destiny as the envoy of the gods.

為了矯正小兒麻痺症,大人讓董佳芸穿上厚重的鐵衣,鐵衣拉扯骨折傷處,她往往痛到啼哭不止,大人卻當成是這孩子難帶,不斷帶去收驚,而且把她視為是家中的麻煩。前頭已經有個姊姊,當奶奶一看到董佳芸是女孩時,「又是一個雞掰!」脫口而出,正眼都不瞧上一眼。

 In order to cure polio, the adult asked Tung ChiaYun to wear a heavy iron garment, which pulled on the fractured wound. She was often so painful that she couldn't stop crying, but the adult thought the child was difficult to raise. Family elders even tried various traditional therapies including exorcism to stop her from crying. She was seen as a trouble at home. Because there was already an older sister in her family, when her grandma saw that Tung ChiaYun was a girl, she blurted, "Another girl again!" –and was reluctant to take a  look at her.

「我出生時不受歡迎,我的存在好像是多餘的。」

"I was not welcome when I was born, and my presence seemed superfluous."

不過,即使奶奶否定,董佳芸仍是父親的心頭上的肉。為了掙錢,父親獨自北上開貨車。她五歲那年農曆年前夕,母親帶著三姐弟北上與父親相聚,父親打算夜裡跑完最後一趟後,清晨就載著一家人回彰化團員過年。怎料,她們母子清晨突然接到父親身亡的通知。

Even though her grandma was displeased with her, Tung ChiaYun is still the princess of her father. In order to make more money, her father worked as a truck driver in northern Taiwan. When she was five years old, her mother took her and two other siblings to Taipei before the Chinese New Year to meet her father there, who decided to run  the last errand before the holiday and drive the family back to Changhua for the Chinese New Year. Unexpectedly, her mother got the notice of her father's death suddenly in an early morning.

事件是這樣發生的:父親開車時發現車況有異,於是把貨車停下,翻開車頭檢查,原要有桿子撐住,但當時桿子借給別人,父親在缺少桿子支撐的危險下仍冒險檢查,沒想到車頭真的掉下,父親整個人因而卡在車頭底下。當母子趕到現場看到父親上半身被貨車頭卡住而呈現跪姿,全都崩潰,而那驚恐畫面到現在,董佳芸仍歷歷在目。

The tragedy went  this way: When her father was driving, he noticed an abnormal  condition of the truck, so he stopped it  and lifted up the truck head  for inspection. There was a pivot support, but it was lent to somebody else. Nevertheless, her father still took the risk to check the abnormalities in the absence of a pivot. Unexpectedly the truck head fell and her father was crushed underneath it. When her mother rushed to the scene with her children, they saw her father's upper body crushed under the truck head and his lower body kneeled in front of the truck. They all collapsed. And Tung ChiaYun still remembers the panic scene.

「我對爸爸的印象幾乎沒了,但爸爸給我很多愛。我媽說,當我爸知道我有殘缺時,就要我媽要好好把我養大。」

"My impression of my dad is almost gone, but my dad spoiled  me with love.  My mother said that when my father knew I was handicapped, he asked my mother to raise me well. "

 

與死神錯身,浪跡在外重生

Close Encounter with Death, Rebirth After Overseas Travel

 

2月初,新冠肺炎疫情剛爆發,除了中國以外,各國還沒封城、鎖國,我去了一趟新加坡,正好有機會順道拜訪董佳芸。多年前離開台灣到新加坡創業,這場疫情搞得人心惶惶,遊子都想回家,董佳芸難道不想?

In early February, the COVID-19 pandemic just broke out. With the exception of China, countries have not yet closed their cities or locked countries. I went to Singapore and had the opportunity to visit Tung ChiaYun, who left Taiwan many years ago to start a business in Singapore. This pandemic has caused worldwide panic, nearly all those travelling abroad wished to come back home. Does Tung ChiaYun look forward to coming back home?

約了一早去她的住處拜訪。當計程車駛進新加坡靠海的住宅區,視野變得遼闊許多,和擁擠的都會節奏感截然不同。這裡沒有地震,房子能往上長,向天空爭取地面難有的呼吸空間。

I made an appointment  to visit her  early in the morning. When the taxi drove to the waterfront residential area  in Singapore, the view becomes much wider, and the rhythm of life is very different from the crowded metropolis. There is no earthquake here, and the building can grow upwards, gaining breathing space from the sky that is hard to find on the ground.

董佳芸住在12樓,那天陽光燦爛,陽台面向晨曦,很難想像在地狹人稠、車水馬龍的新加坡可以感受得到這股閒適清新。

Tung ChiaYun lives on the 12th floor.   On that day, the sun is shining and the balcony is facing the morning light. It's hard to imagine that you can feel this kind of leisure and freshness in Singapore, which is crowded with people and traffic.

一個旅居在外單身女子的住所,簡單明亮,卻泛著一種寂寞感。

The residence of a single woman living alone is simple and bright, but it seeps  a sense of loneliness.

「我必須學會告別過去的自己,所以來新加坡創業。」對董佳芸來說,告別拉扯不斷的過去,比面對眼前的寂寞更難。牽扯,是舒適圈;告別,是向前進,前途的不定比熟悉的過往——即使痛苦——更讓人容易卻步。但,董佳芸仍願意鴨子划水地前行。

"I must learn to bid farewell to my past self, so I came to Singapore to start a business." For Tung ChiaYun, it is harder to say goodbye to the constant dragging of the past than to face the loneliness in front. Dragging might be a comfort zone. Bidding farewell is moving forward. But the uncertainty of the future is more easily deterred than the familiar past-even if it is painful. However, Tung ChiaYun is still willing to quietly paddle forward like the ducks.

一直以為董佳芸本來就是豐滿圓潤的身形,「以前我很瘦,是因為吃藥讓整個人都變形。」我才知道,她的病,原本早就應該已在另一個世界當天使去了。

 I always thought Tung ChiaYun was  a plump and round figure. "I used to be thin. Having too much medicine made my whole body deformed." Later, I found out her illness should  have made her an angel in the other world long ago.

為了救贖,從19歲起,她就得半工半讀拿錢回家負擔兩個弟弟的生活費,畢業後便選擇留在台北金融界服務,除了賺錢,也渴望築出自己的夢。26歲那年,董佳芸正值青春年華,全身卻開始莫名出血,下半身時不時瘀青,面積越來越大,頻繁腹瀉也帶血,去醫院檢查,腸胃鏡把半個身體看透,始終找不到出血點,折騰好一陣子,腿部瘀青越來越嚴重,最後才被診斷出原因。

 In order to save her life, from the age of 19, she had to study and work part-time to take money home to pay for the living expenses of her two younger brothers. After graduation, she chose to stay in the financial sector in Taipei. In addition to making money, she was also eager to build her own dream. At the age of 26, while she was still in her prime years, but her whole body began to bleed inexplicably; bruises appeared on her lower body from time to time, and the bruises were getting bigger and bigger. She was suffering from frequent diarrhea, and traces of blood were found in her excrement. She went to the hospital for examination. After numerous gastrointestinal endoscopy checkings, the effort to find the bleeding spots still went fruitless. The examination and the painful conditions continued for quite a while, and the bruising on her legs getting worse and worse.  Finally, the cause was diagnosed.

「妳可能隨時會掛,不要跟任何人接觸。」醫生發出這嚴重的警告,讓董佳芸摸不著頭緒。

"You may die at any time, and don't have physical contact with anyone." The doctor issued this serious warning, perplexing Dong Jiayun.

她罹患的是急性血小板低下症。一個熱情的擁抱、擊掌、拍頭拍肩等熱絡動作,都可能讓董佳芸大量內出血致死。踏進醫院那一刻後,董佳芸就展開與打針、藥物為伍的日子,不僅身材因為服藥水腫,一天需要吞下10顆類固醇的劑量,也讓她的膝蓋積水,痛到無法走路,連二樓的住處,都爬不上去。那一刻,她顧不得旁人,坐在樓梯間崩潰大哭。

She suffered from acute thrombocytopenia. A warm hug, high-five, clapping head, patting shoulders and other compassionate physical contacts may trigger Tung ChiaYun's massive hemorrhage which may lead to her death. The moment after stepping into the hospital, Tung ChiaYun began to spend time with injections and medications. Not only did she have to swallow 10 steroid doses a day because of her body’s edema due to medication, the medicine also caused her knees to accumulate body fluid, so painful that she could not walk. She could not even climb up the second floor. At that moment, she was so upset that she collapsed and cried out loudly while sitting in the stairwell without caring about others.

「如果以後不能走路,什麼事都不能做,那我還要執著什麼?我不想死,我不想為了工作賺錢就把命賠上,而我的人生就沒了......。」她所幸大膽地向醫生提出請求:不打針,藥量減半,並決定出國旅行。

"If I can't walk or do anything in the future, what should I cling to? I don't want to die, and I don't want to lose my life for the sake of making money, and my life is gone..." Fortunately, she boldly made a request to the doctor: no more injections, halve the amount of medicine, and decide to travel abroad.

董佳芸這玩命的決定把醫生嚇壞,但見她意志堅定,說服不了她,於是豎起白旗,後退一大步,建議她轉向心理輔導或身心靈方向,從醫「心」著手。其實不只是血液腫瘤科醫生束手無策,連幫董佳芸的手開刀的骨科醫師都很挫敗地告訴她:「妳明明可以好,但為什麼不讓自己好?」

Tung ChiaYun's desperate decision frightened the doctor. After seeing that she was determined and unable to dissuade her, the doctor raised a white flag and took a big step back, suggesting that she turn to psychological counseling or integrated treatment of body, mind, and spirit. The doctors suggested that her treatment may start from "psychology." In fact, not only her hematology oncologist was out of wits, even her orthopedic surgeon who performed the operation on Tung ChiaYun's hand told her in frustration: "You obviously can be healed, but why not let yourself be healed?"

董佳芸乍聽下很惱,「要是我不想好,怎會花錢來動刀?難道醫生意思是我心裡有病?」

Tung ChiaYun was very annoyed at first, "If I don't want to get healed, why should I spend money to accept the surgery? Does the doctor mean that I am sick mentally?"

當董佳芸開始踏上旅途後,雖然全身瘀青經常把外國人嚇壞,以為她受到家暴,但醫生擔心的最壞狀況並未發生,這條小命終究是平安歸來。

When Tung ChiaYun started to embark on her journey, her bruises often frightened foreigners. They thought she was domestically abused. Fortunately, the worst condition the doctor worried about did not happen. She returned safely.

這一路,她開始嘗試非主流療法、偏方,連自己的尿療都喝,也找過算命師、心理諮商,試圖從心醫起,自己也學起了紫微斗數、命理等玄學,直到2012年,她遇見了影響她整個人生的心靈導師,不僅療癒了血小板低下症,至今,她毋須服藥,無需回診,更重要的是,她正式踏上珠寶設計師的夢想之路。

Along the way, she began to try non-mainstream therapies and folk medicine, even drinking her own urine as a folk medication. She tried to get mental healing by consulting with fortune tellers and psychological counseling. She started to learn Zi Wei Dou Shu, numerology and other metaphysics. It was not until 2012, she met her spiritual mentor who influenced her whole life, not only her thrombocytopenia is healed, so far, she does not need to take medicine, no need to go back to the doctor, and more importantly, she officially embarked on her dream path of a jewelry designer.

 

洗滌不堪的生命,反饋於設計之中

Cleansing Unbearable Life, Feeding Life into Jewelry Design

 

「老師問我,我的夢想是什麼?我說我想成為國際珠寶設計師。」

"My teacher asked me, what is my dream? I said I want to become an international jewelry designer."

這個夢,曾在她的心裡萌牙過,卻因為念設計需要讀私校,母親以學費昂貴為由反對,夢泡沫了。董佳芸沒想過還有機會與它交會。在心靈導師的鼓勵下,董佳芸重新築夢,並且把過往的人生反饋於設計珠寶之上。

This dream had been sprouting in her heart. The study of jewelry design requires to enroll into a private school. Because of the high tuition fees of the private school, her intention to study in the private school was denied by her mother, and her dream bubbled. Tung ChiaYun never thought that there would be another chance to fulfill her dream. Encouraged by her spiritual mentor, ChiaYun Tung fulfilled her dream and fed her past life into her jewelry design.

2015年,屬於她的第一家門市在信義區開幕,這也是鄰近父親意外事故的地點。30年來,她一直不敢踏入信義區,用塵封的方式把對父親的記憶儘可能抹去;如今再回到這裡,不僅是為自己跨出實踐夢想,也是穿過傷痛,與父親重逢。

In 2015, her first store opened in Taipei's Xinyi District, a location near the site of the accident happened to her father. For 30 years, she has not dared to step into Xinyi District, to avoid the agonizing memory of her father's death. Opening a store here is not only for realizing her dream but also for overcoming the pain and reuniting with her father.

她同步地在新加坡籌備公司、拓展門市,直到2016年位於牛車水的門市裝潢好,「我在克拉碼頭發呆,猛然想起:我很久沒有發病了!當我實踐心中最想要的事,病就好了?」董佳芸在碼頭邊淚水潰堤,五味雜陳難以言喻。

She set up stores in Singapore and Taiwan almost simultaneously. When the store in Chinatown of Singapore was well decorated in 2016, "I was in a daze in Clarke Quay and suddenly remembered: I haven't got sick for a long time! When I realized what I have wanted most, was my sickness healed automatically?" Tung ChiaYun burst into tears on the side of the wharf. It was difficult to describe her sweet and sour experiences.

董佳芸從小就因為手的殘缺而成為大人的出氣筒,不論是誰生病或者家裡遭逢不順之事,「都是因為妳這隻手!」成了所有厄運的答案。

Tung ChiaYun has been an adult’s punching bag because of her handicapped hand since she was a child. No matter who is ill or has had trouble at home, "It's all because of your hand!" has become the answer to all bad luck.

五歲喪父的董佳芸,根本來不及跟父親說「我愛你」,成長過程從不被期許、不被接納,只有責罵與精神暴力相伴。即便家庭帶給她種種傷痕與挫敗,讓她怯於走入人群,始終像隻孤鳥,最後漂浪至異鄉,但她從未對愛絕望。

Tung ChiaYun, who lost her father at the age of five, had no time to say "I love you" to her father. She was neither expected nor accepted during her growth. Only scolding and mental violence accompanied her. Even though her family brought her all kinds of scars and frustrations, making her timid to walk into the crowd, always like a lone bird, and finally drifting to a foreign land, she never lost her hope for love.

「我想幫助類似狀況的小朋友。有些孩子生性孤僻、不好相處,但他並不是不好,只是沒有被理解。」她揉合了人生千瘡百孔的經歷於「反家暴」系列的設計中,讓更多感覺無愛的孤獨的靈魂,重新回到愛。

"I want to help children in similar situations. Some children are by nature withdrawn and difficult to get along with, but they are not bad, they are just not understood." She combined her life's devastating experience in the "Anti-domestic violence series design" in the hope that more lonely souls, who feel no love in life, can find love.

也許愛本來就不是外求而得,而是天生地源於內在,否則無法解釋董佳芸這樣的生命,為何能有這份力量化為大愛。

Love may not be obtainable from the outside world; it may arise from within. Otherwise, it is impossible to explain why a life like Tung ChiaYun's can have the strength to generate such a great love.

近一年來,疫情增加了出入境的繁瑣流程,但董佳芸不僅未受阻,而且積極在台北與新加坡兩地張羅店面,行動力十足的模樣與百業蕭條成了極大反差。若非26歲那場大病,也許她還在辛苦地為家人賺錢,「國際珠寶設計師」就真的只是場未竟之夢。

In the past year, the COVID-19 epidemic has increased the cumbersome process of entry and exit, but Tung ChiaYun has not been deterred. Instead, she has been actively opening stores in Taipei and Singapore. Her action-driven appearance is in great contrast to the depression of all industries. If it weren't for the serious illness at the age of 26, perhaps she would have been still struggling to make money for her family, and "international jewelry designer" would have been just an unaccomplished dream.

反家暴系列,【精神錯亂-手環】,蘇馬力國際珠寶提供。
反家暴系列,【精神錯亂-手環】,蘇馬力國際珠寶提供。

 

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陳心怡
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